How Automated Blinds Changed My Life & Made Me Feel Like a Bond Villain

1. Changed my life

I wake up everyday with the option to go back to sleep. Do you have that option? Maybe after getting out of bed you do. Alas, the life of a true Bond villain isn’t for everyone. Back in ‘93 I was the only one on my block of villains that fathomed the idea of automated blinds. Then again, back then I only had the option to brainwash a couple henchmen into opening and closing them. Technology is stealing jobs from everyone, I honestly wonder all the time—just what are Ted and Jeff up to these days? They were good company but I do like that I now have some privacy…I guess.  

2. Supervillain vibes for days

When I’m not planning my next kayaking trip or writing about home automation, I contemplate world domination and restricting automated blinds to only one room—my room. This blog post upon first glance might seem like it could be to promote automated blinds, but it in fact is just to gloat about how I one day will not only rule over you, but I will have the most home-automated sitch on the block. I’ll no longer need my physical form—my home will become the external representation of myself, a fortress of automated blinds, coffeemakers, thermostats, and DVR’ed edited-for-tv-with-commercials repeats of Jumanji. I love Van Pelt.

3. I basically live in a bat cave

When I’m not trying to take over the world I like to switch it up a bit. With the power of Diamond Cell Blackout Cellular Shade automated blinds I’m able to turn my room pitch black. Do you even know what that kinda darkness is like? Within the darkness I train to forget the death of my parents and begin my quest to save Gotham. What can I say? I was a bit of a nerd growing up. It feels good to put on a different cape via drapes every now and then.  

4. I got bored of watching paint dry

Now I have the option to watch my blinds open and close at the click of a button. It’s quite exciting, really. I’m not crazy though. Do you think I’m crazy? I don’t like when people judge me. I practice a life of minimalistic pleasure, you’ll never understand until you try it. You should try it.  

5. I rise and shine like a boss  

Plain and simple—nobody does it like me. Zero to a hundred, bright to dark—real quick. I once wasn’t much of a morning person due to the fact that I had to stay up late plotting to destroy the world and occasionally rebuilding Death Stars for mediocre remakes. You can understand that, right? The automated blinds were a game changer—the morning sun would now greet me at specific times and disappear upon my mere request if I needed more shut-eye. It no longer beckoned me to leave my bed to and open or close them, they’re in my control…and soon will be too.