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Best of Clickbait is our roundup of the most bizarre and entertaining hate-reads, confessions, rants and reporting from around the web each week.
Enjoy!
1. Haters Hating on Hate Reads
Published on xoJane by Trista Crass
This week xoJane published a piece titled I Stopped Hate Reading Internet Articles and You Should Too. The author, Trista Crass, claimed that her addiction to hate reading articles and comments by ‘stupid people’ resulted in hours of wasted time and fed her jealousy and superiority complex.
Since she gave up hate-reading, Trista now feels superior to the rest of us (including the hate-readers of xoJane) and has much more time on her hands. Her decision to publish on xoJane (where nearly everything is designed to be hate-read) is ironical, creating a bizarre hall-of-mirrors hate-fest, or as one commenter put it, “What if I hate-read this article? Hate-ception?!”
2. Stop Chipotle-Shaming
Published on Elite Daily by Robert Anthony
All you food snobs who are freaking out over a little E. coli need to calm the fuck down and get off your high horses. I’ve seen your Instagram, I know you love a good burrito bowl as much as anyone. You’re kidding yourself with that trendy quinoa salad, so shut up and stop trying to be cool.
3. Morphine Hotpots
Published on That’s Mag by Natallia Slimani
We all know the restaurant business is super competitive these days. You really have to be creative with your Mexican-Korean-Ethiopian cuisine mash-ups to get an edge over the competition. So it seems like a little hot pot place in Shenzhen has taken things to the next level.
When the police pulled up and arrested two workers who looked a little smacked out for allegedly using heroin, the men protested their innocence. It was soon discovered that both men had eaten the “house special” at a local restaurant. When the Food and Drug Administration raided the premises, they found a mysterious bag of white powder among the herbs and spices that turned out to be morphine. That’s one way to keep them coming back!
4. Scorpion Addiction
Published on Dawn by Izhar Ullar
While the US is in the grips of a heroin crisis, things have gotten a little weirder in Pakistan. Cities like Peshawar currently have a scorpion problem, and not the kind that can be solved by the exterminator. Not satisfied with the high from heroin or meth, local drug users have turned to smoking scorpions. The scorpions are caught live and then thrown on the fire, where the smoke from the burning arachnid is then inhaled. The venom from the scorpion’s tail apparently produces a potent high, but is highly addictive—it is common to find addicts scouring the street for their next hit.
5. Dildo Drone
Published on Dazed and Confused by Dominique Sisley
Has our infatuation with drones finally come to its logical conclusion? Why even bother with a man when you can get more satisfaction from a remote-controlled flying object? If this idea turns you on, you might be a little disappointed that the dildo drone is not yet on the market. That doesn’t mean it won’t be soon though. The concept’s creator, Michael Krivicka, previously came up with the idea of a ‘dildo selfie stick’ which has since gone into production.
5. Live Snapchat Plastic Surgery
Published on Digital Trends by Saqib Shah
A lot of people get on Snapchat because they want to see a little cleavage, but now you can actually watch it being created. Increasingly, plastic surgeons are turning to Snapchat in order to try and ease people’s fears of going under the knife. Dr. Matthew Schulman claims that 90% of his patients allow him to broadcast their operations over the app, and he also uploads stills onto his Instagram account. Don’t worry, Schulman isn’t slicing away with an iPhone in his hand—he wisely employs a nurse to take the videos and photos for him.
6. Data Scientist Hacks His Way to the Top on OkCupid
Published on Fossbytes by Amar Shekhar
If you’re on OkCupid and your dates have been a little thin lately it might be Chris McKinlay’s fault. McKinlay, a grad student with access to a supercomputer through his university, figured out how to hack OkCupid’s matching algorithm.
OkCupid uses a survey to match you with potential dates, and by analyzing the question data sets McKinlay was able to separate the women on the site into seven different groups. He figured out which women were most compatible with him, and which questions were most important to them. By answering those questions honestly, he then became a match for over 30,000 women.
In a happy twist, he managed to find true love on his 88th date.
7. 11 Telltale Signs You Might Be a Douchebag
Published on BroBible by Neil Bulson
It’s a strange world when BroBible, that famous home to unselfconscious douchebaggery publishes an article that calls out douchebags. Are they trying to commit commercial suicide by alienating their own audience? Takes one to know one I guess.
